"Subdue your appetites and you've conquered human nature" Charles Dickens

Simmering boiled peaches,
Fruity tooty in a spotted bowl,
Collect up the custard,
Mix it in the jar,
Ochre yellow pus seeps forward,
Put it in your car.

The world appears phallic without your
Pots and pans,
Smooth and round of edge,
Come sixty and you replace them with cots and cans,
Premature babies born from old buried thoughts,
Upturned from some old rattling can,
Tinged with aging youth.

Cots bear the newly formed jam,
Ready steady spoon,
Grasp the sweet oozing mess,
My adornment of pulp,
Gathered within an open cage,
Free to run rampant and fill you with rage.

This they say is coming of age,
You don't appreciate the masked futility of it all,
So you stay in your putrid cage,
Frozen forever on the same old page.




I am somewhat trapped.

I am a rabbit.

I want to escape reality,
I want to know what it means to be free,
Lustful longings for a fantasy land,
Extracted perfectly from a crisp sheet
of silken ivory parchment.

I'm feeling awful today. Just really depressed and down. I'm so sick of this disorder and yet I refuse to accept any help that comes my way. At least I'm losing weight. I'm making my way back down to complete emaciation. I'm still revolting at the moment though.

Yesterday in contrast was great. I ate even less than today, 202 calories, I got three essays done and I got full marks for my English literature coursework. Why doesn't the happiness ever last?
I'm also really stressed about exams and deciding what to do for my gap year. Who in their right mind would want to hire me. A miserable, ugly and fat loser.

Plan for the week (for each day):
30g wholegrain cereal- 112
Apple- 50
Vegetables- 40
Plum- 30
2 rice cakes- 56
Sugar free cereal bar- 60
TOTAL= 348 calories

I'm just going to be lazy and watch a film in bed.

Oooh naughty me I'm haven't gone to sixth form again today. I'm busy doing a Hamlet essay. How exciting. I keep on repeating the word bad and it sounds really stupid. I'm trying to convey that Claudius is not the rightful King and therefore I just keep on saying 'Claudius is BAD for doing...' Oh dear my English skills are rapidly deteriorating. My A level exam is in exactly a month. I'm extremely scared. I'm used to getting top grades, but trying to juggle an ED with exams indeed. At least my As levels were good, but thats not enough to save me.

My parents are really becoming serious about me seeing a therapist. My mother is a psychologist, so she can very easily arrange for me to see one of her colleagues :/ Yes my life(or lack of) is completely pointless, but I still don't want to recover. I've actually been given a lot of freedom concerning my ED as my parents hoped that it would just resolve itself. I've very rarely been forced to sit down and eat dinner and I get £30 a week to buy my own food. I think thats all about to change though and I'm scared. They are also apparently going to force me to go out with my friends more often. I've been inside for practically a month as I feel so vast and revolting. People's eyes probably burn when they look at me !

I've had 3 litres of water already today and it is only 11:55am! Perhaps I should stop drinking so much. Its making me feel really heavy and bloated. Headaches always seem to plague me when I drink more water. How silly. I should have continued to be dehydrated. Only eaten 100g of melon today, so thats 27 calories. I'll probably end up having 300-400 today. I feel rather weak though as my new vegan diet(as in what I'm eating, I am not on a diet)consists of fruit, vegetables, rice cakes and pulses. Thats not too healthy. My mother wants me to just be a vegetarian again but I feel much too guilty eating animal products. When I see yoghurt now I just think of the poor cows that have to suffer solely for human pleasure. Stupid messed up society.

I very rarely write in my journal, but from today I'm going to try and make it a regular occurrence. I'm also thinking of posting pretty photographs. Oooh alliteration! Not thinspiration or anything as that concept doesn't really rock my boat. If I do ever look at thinspiration I look at pictures that can also pass as art work. Photos used solely to advertise someones thighs are just boring to me.

Over the past few weeks I've strongly been considering becoming vegan. I'm already a vegetarian so becoming vegan is the next logical step. I informed my mother of this a couple of hours earlier and lets just say she wasn't too pleased! My food intake is so limited anyway I really doubt it will make any drastic impact. I'm not doing this for weight issues either. The only things that I will be cutting out is fat free yoghurt, Dairylea triangles, tuna and skimmed milk. I was annoyed to find out that Quorn contains egg whites so thats being abandoned as well. I guess it doesn't really matter as it stinks out the whole kitchen for several hours.
I'm following in Daniel Johns' footsteps hooray! We can be vegan buddies...or not. I wonder how many pathetic little fan girls like myself have converted t becoming vegan as a result of his influence. Its not as if I'm making a drastic change though as I've been a good old veggie since the age of 10.

I'm going to go and browse my picture files to find a good one to post. Off I go!



I love tea parties. Or just the idea of them. My love of them probably derives from many childhood hours spent watching Alice in Wonderland.

I love Faris Rotter. He is skinny. And yes he has a big nose.